Tuesday, March 30 2010

Winexpert's Announces New 80-Proof Alcohol Kit!

Dateline: April 1st, Winexpert International Product Science Headquarters

Combining science with the values of earth-friendly technology, Winexpert is proud to announce the world’s first Optimal Yield, Ultra-High Alcohol Consumer Kit. Available in Virtual Vodka^tm, Generator Gin^tm, Basic Bourbon^tm, Superior Scotch^tm and Turbo Tequila^tm flavours, the kit produces 23 litres (the equivalent of 30 26-ounce bottles!) of 80-Proof alcohol in only nine days

“It’s another coup for Winexpert Research and Development,” says International Advertising Marketer Julie Kitten, “Not only does this kit break the previous fermentation barriers of 18% alcohol, it does it by using cellulosic ethanol technology, diverting agricultural by-products that normally go into the waste stream into a supply of delicious, authentic-tasting spirits.”

The technology was recently developed for Winexpert by Dr. Till Eulenspiegel from the Frankfurt University of Alcohol Science in Germany. According to Dr. Eulenspiegel:

“Saccharomyces cerevisiae is already used in the beverage industry to efficiently convert hexose sugars, such as glucose, into ethanol. We created a transgenic organism in our laboratory by splicing genes from radiolarians, a bacteria found in the containment vessels of nuclear reactors that naturally breaks down pentose, and have engineered a super-yeast, Zellulomyces Eulenspiegel, which can successfully ferment pentose and hexose sugars present in straw, wood chips, and newspaper.

As pentoses represent a substantial part of the feedstock, the engineered yeast gives a much higher yield of ethanol for the same amount of raw materials, and the gamma-irradiated yeast can tolerate alcohol levels exceeding 40%."

The kit itself will consist of a twelve kilogram (27 pound) bale of pressed cellulose, derived mainly from Canadian prairie wheat straw and barley hulls, grown in strict accordance with biodynamic principles, along with a fume hood, torch, handling tongs a triple sealed container of Zellulomyces Eulenspiegel and a flavouring pack for the finished alcohol. In keeping with the eco-friendly theme of the product it will come in a hand-crafted cardboard box made under biodynamic manufacturing principals, free of colours, inks, glues of negative feng shui.

“The beauty of the Optimal Yield Ultra-High Alcohol Consumer Kit is how easy it is to make” says Tim Vandergrift, Director of Beverage Sampling. “There isn’t any need to sanitise your equipment because the mutant yeast (which everyone around here calls ‘Hulk-o-myces’!) strategically out-competes and actually hunts down and kills other micro-organisms and some insects. The consumer simply places the cake of cellulose in the fermenter, adds a gallon of water, a common household newspaper and the cardboard box the kit is shipped in, dons the protective gear, flames the outside of the yeast cannister, opens it under the fume hood and dumps it in—that’s it! In nine days the container will have a hard, compact layer of sediment and perfectly clear 80-Proof alcohol on top. After that you transfer it into a clean carboy and stir in your flavours and bottle—no fining, no filtering, and no waiting!”

When asked if there was anything unusual about the kit, Vandergrift put down his mug of Tequila and noted soberly, “Well, you really don’t want that yeast getting loose in your house. It’s capable of independent movement, crawling around on pseudopods, spinning webs and flying through the air, and not even a direct blast from a nuclear weapon can kill it. If it did get out, it would immediately convert any cellulose material, such as wood, fabric or paper, and any plants or trees into alcohol, reducing your home into a heady cocktail of high-proof mush. But I’m sure that consumers will take all precautions. Who wouldn’t, for thirty bottles of delicious spirits?”

“This spells the end of traditional distilled spirits”, intones Director of Optimal Markets, Barney Ficus. “In my role I have presided over some fantastic new products, including the world’s first Carbon-Neutral Wine Kit, the first Glow-In-the-Dark Refreshment Beverage, but this is a game-changer. Instead of useless trees and grass we can have tasty spirits everywhere we look. Instead of recycling newpapers and composting yard waste, we can drink them!”

To celebrate the launch Winexpert has devised several promotional gifts.

Designed to make drinking spirits fun, our personal Optimal Yield Ultra-High Alcohol Consumer Kit carriers the Futility Belt and the Bandolier o' Booze will be available with proof of purchase of two kits! Perfect for picnics, poolside or long moonlit walks on the beach, you'll feel like you're not wearing any alcohol at all!

Flavours to be introduced include Rootin' Tootin' Rye^tm, Pirate-Strength Rum,^tm, Brawny Brandy^tm, and a full line of liqueurs, coming February 30th 2011. Winexpert retailers will announce the launch in your area!

Posted by Timster AT 1:34PM

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