Wednesday, March 30 2011

Winexpert Announces It's Latest Breakthrough!

Dateline: April 1st, Winexpert International Product Science Headquarters Laboratory

Winexpert is excited to announce a brand new line of wine kits, adding to it's already industry-leading lineup of products. In keeping with our tradition of innovation, quality and hip trendiness we have developed the Winexpert Selection Colour-Match Series.

"This is truly a revolutionary product", says Tim Vandergrift, Manager of Conjectural Technology for Winexpert. "Think about it: for the last five thousand years there have only ever been three colours for wine: red, white and pink. Well, brown too, if you count that batch of Chardonnay I forgot in the carboy for six years, ha ha ha! But we know that the demographic of consumers we're trying to reach want a wine that fits into their entire life, not just the red, white or pink lives, but the entire palette of the living lives they uh, live."

Clear as a bell and ready to go!

The secret of the kit is an ultra-neutral wine base that is fermented and cleared, and can then be custom tailored to suit the mood of the winemaker, from the traditional red or white to the more radical, all from the included artificial food dyes.

You won't find anything like these in nature! Phooey on nature anyway.

Approved and regulated by the government, these dyes are all petrochemical-derived, for the brightest, most stable colours possible. The easy-to-use colour chart (included) lets you make gorgeous wines in seconds. For the hostess with a bold colour scheme in her dining room, the possibilities are endless! And you needn't worry about the wine 'going' with any of your food: because the base has to be completely neutral, it has almost no flavour at all! "It wasn't easy getting all of the flavour out of a wine," says Susan Kwanenstein, Manager of Wine Manipulation. "It took hundreds of trials to make a wine that tasted like nothing, yet still would accept the dye, but in the end we triumphed. The only problem is that we have to be very careful leaving it around in carboys, or people tend to pop them into the water coolers, and the staff winds up staggering around the facility--well, more than they do normally, I mean."

Chateau Windex™ anyone?

And even better, Winexpert's Authorised Retail Partners have all been equipped with our new Colour-Match Photospectrometry Units! It's a terrific advance in mass customisation, according to Julie Kitten, Winexpert's Manager of Marketing Things to People. "It's a terrific advance in mass customisation. Although Photospectrometers are very expensive we expect our retail partners will recoup the capital outlay very rapidly, with projected demand for personal colouring through the roof. I've already colour-matched my dog, my living room trim paint and one of the raccoons that lives in my attic!"

Is there anything as exciting as an off-grey BOX OF SCIENCE?!

Bring in any colour sample (at least 3 centimetres square) and your retailer will sample it and make you a custom blend in only moments! Want to match your tablecloth to mask spills? No problem! Want to compliment your favorite tie? Easy-peasey! Want to brighten up any dining occasion? Can do! Best of all you can match or contrast any label you put on the bottle!

St. Patrick's Day!

The Orange Bowl!

Some kind of evil holiday of blackness!

As an added bonus for the month of April, Winexpert will be including a free Iridology consultation with each kit purchase.

Looks like a bloodshot Barolo to me!

Iridology examines the patterns, colors, and other characteristics of the iris  to determine information about your inner self. Using scientifically proven iridiagnosis charts we can match the wine that suits you best of all! This $150 dollar value is yours for FREE! Get yours TODAY!

Winexpert Selection Colour-Match Series will be released the first week of April: be sure to check in with your local Winexpert retail for delivery dates, and to schedule a colour-matching session.

Winexpert: Love Your Wine, Colour Your Wine.

Posted by Tim the Fool AT 12:46AM

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